Coming to terms with being non-binary

Generate has helped me to come to terms with being non-binary at the ripe old age of almost 60; and here is my story…

I was always the soft lad; the sensitive one; in touch with my feminine side. My dad wasn’t remotely impressed and called me all sorts of homophobic slurs, which cut deep. He wouldn’t allow me to do ballet, so I happily put up with the football and rugby teams and the teasing. I was a good player, but certainly not one of the lads. My mum taught me to sew, on my request, and I sat in the playground at school with my most recent project in production. I had nothing in common with the boys, or the girls, so preferred my own company.

As I grew up I began to wonder if I was gay, because I knew something wasn’t right, but I liked girls, not boys, so that made no sense! As a teen, I dressed quite “alternative/hippy” and for the 70s and 80s that encompassed breaking gender stereotyped clothes, which was totally acceptable then.

Being a “long haired hippy,” throughout my teens and 20s fit well with my “genderless” feelings of self, and was totally cool with friends and girlfriends.

I went to Uni to study fashion and jewellery design, which my dad, an art teacher *just about* coped with. Being a “long haired hippy,” throughout my teens and 20s fit well with my “genderless” feelings of self, and was totally cool with friends and girlfriends. Sue, who became my wife was a feminist, who had serious issues with the toxic masculinity around her and loved that I was “In touch with my feminine side”.

Life rolled on. When the kids came along, I stayed home and took the “House husband ‘s role” since Sue earned more than me and I loved parenting. However, a constant feeling of “otherness” and a growing depression, with no known cause, became hard to deal with. My low self-esteem and feelings of “Not- fitting” became more and more overwhelming. Therapy did nothing, antidepressants even less. I didn’t know why I felt so “wrong”. 

After years of feeling wretched and more than one suicide attempt, an eating disorder and questioning if I may be trans female at 57 years old,  I came across someone on social media who said they were non-binary, genderless, not male or female, the more I read, the more this seemed to fit. I searched support groups and found Generate.

I met two lovely Generate members and after 57 years of soul searching I  suddenly felt at home.

I attended the  “Over the rainbow café drop café” drop in session after hours of wandering around York in a tizz. I met two lovely Generate members and after 57 years of soul searching I  suddenly felt at home.

I still needed to explore my feelings of gender dysphoria, still wondering if I was trans fem. I don’t like large groups, so attended the on-line group and the “style” event. “ years later I am happy in my genderless self and now have a perfect explanation for my dissonance and depression.  Sue and my kids support me, I’m no different really, just happier in my skin.

Wolf – age 59. (They / Them)